Female versus Male sexuality: Can Males Be "Sexually Fluid" Too?

There's this myth that females are more sexually fluid than males, meaning that they are more likely to be bicurious and to experience a broad range of sexual desires. The truth is that because our social hierarchy puts heterosexuality at the top, but specifically heterosexually masculine men, women have nothing to lose because their heterosexuality is never questioned, and so this frees them to sexually experiment. On the flip side, having a homosexual experience for a man, who identifies as heterosexual, can have severe consequences because his heterosexual masculinity automatically goes into question.

The amount of times I've heard questions like "How can he be completely straight if he's made out with another guy? Oh my god, he must be gay, but he's just not out yet" makes me think that people are too narrow minded about sexuality. It's strange that if a man claims that he had sex with another man, that one-time experience can never be thought about casually, whereas if a woman were to do the same thing, no one would question: a) her femininity and b) her heterosexuality, but would either blame the alcohol or brush it off as her wanting to experiment. I'm not saying that everyone is that narrow minded or that every scenario will play out just as I've mentioned, but there is truth in the statement that it is much more difficult for heterosexual men to be accepted and not questioned for being bicurious, than it is for heterosexual women, as men indirectly and directly feel like they are jeopardizing their heterosexual identities and threatening their masculinity; there is a lot more at stake.

When it comes to sexual fluidity, men are put into more rigid categories of "either you're straight, or you're gay" and I don't think that that's a fair assessment. I believe that this type of categorization is problematic for both men and women because it continues to put heterosexual masculinity on a pedestal, since it becomes such a powerful part of a man's identity, which he is always on the verge of losing if he does not ascribe to stereotypical notions of what it means to be heterosexual and/or masculine.

Sculptures from Cancun's Underwater Museum

Alfred Kinsey, best known for his theories on sex, suggested that people have different degrees of heterosexuality versus homosexuality, known as The Kinsey Scale, and that most are likely to be somewhere in between. Although many of his studies went under question due to his methods of research, I tend to believe that there is some truth to his understanding of human sexuality. Even historically, people's understandings of these categories were quite different, suggesting that it is society which determines the boundaries of what is sexually acceptable and what is not. Take Socrates' time, for example. As displayed by many of his writings, love was not known to be between a man and a woman within a marriage, but between an older man and his much younger male disciple. Therefore, such a relationship certainly did not take away from a man's masculinity nor did it suggest that he was homosexual for he would probably also be married with children. On the contrary, it was expected, because philosophers such as Socrates believed that it was through such relationships that one learned the meaning of love.

What I mean to suggest is that our understanding of masculinity and heterosexuality is continuously changing according to society's norms, and so holding such words so close to one's identity can keep people from experiencing something that they may be interested in, but too ashamed to admit to. These are all my own thoughts on the subject, but who am I to say? I just feel like the relationship between men and women, among themselves, with each other, and to the society, would really change for the better if we all learned that sexuality can be fluid for everyone and that "masculinity" has nothing to do with a person's sexual orientation.

People Are (I am) Masochistic

I had a few ideas that I wanted to discuss, but I decided that I don't feel like being intelligent and would rather ramble. This is my blog, after all, and if I want to be annoying about it, so I shall. We can't always say something worth while because sometimes we just need to ramble until something worth while comes up. I'm pretty sure that that is the kind of therapeutic treatment Freud established. Who needs Freud anyway? I'll "free associate" by myself!

I am Garfield. Period.

So my room is a mess. I find that my physical environment seems to be a direct reflection of the way I'm feeling. I also find that sporadically getting up to clean my room can have extreme positive effects on my mood and sense of self. It's funny the way an environment can affect someone's internal mood, and someone's internal mood can create the appearance of the environment. It makes me wonder that small tasks can make a bigger difference than people give them credit for. For example, brushing teeth, taking a shower, changing out of pajamas, having a clean room, these tasks that are meant to keep up our appearances actually have an effect on the way we hold ourselves and the way we feel about ourselves; they can affect someone's whole day. But when these are such simple tasks, why are they then so hard to do when a person's in a rut?

Sometimes when I'm feeling down, my room will be a complete mess, I'll still be in my pajamas at 5:00pm, and I'll feel dirty as hell (too much information?), but I still wont get up to change anything. It's almost like I want to make myself suffer. People are crazy. Maybe it's just me who's crazy. I wonder if anyone else likes to piss themselves off on purpose? The truth is that I have a very mild case of OCD, so it's almost like I want to drive myself crazy by hanging out in a completely messy and chaotic room. I'm so weird. At least I'm honest. What is that Freud? This all comes down to me wanting to get down with my dad?? Well fuck you! No but seriously, Freud is hilarious. I heard that he used to get high on cocaine. Not sure if that's true, but it would add another level onto his, sometimes comical, conclusions.

Even the pinata is masochistic! 

To be honest, I really have no solution to the problem. I just know that people always go through phases, and if they're insightful enough, the negative phases become easier to deal with. I've also learned that it's too easy to judge and think that the solution is simple, but everyone needs to figure shit out on their own time because that's when it will be real; that's when it will truly sink in. Everyone has something in their life that is a challenge for them and I suppose it's through these challenges that we are all connected.

Happy "it's the hardest job in the fucking world" Day

Three Generations: Mom, Grandma, Me

Thank you for teaching me so much, even when you didn't always mean to. Thank you for never being afraid to show yourself as human to me, instead of an all-knowing adult who never makes mistakes, which is the way I see most parents act with their children. Thank you for apologizing when you were out of line, or protecting me when someone else was. Thank you, thank you, thank you.





Being a parent is not an easy task, and because it's not payed with anything tangible, its value can and does go unnoticed too often and way more than it should. To spend time with a child, watch them grow, put effort in everything that you do with them, and do it all with love, is beyond me. Like I said in a previous post, I'd be bringing cocktails to the park to help me get through the day, so any parent who doesn't do that wins in my books. Obviously I'm kidding, because it takes a few more requirements, other than not being alcoholic, to be a good parent. Point is that parenting is hard.

Actually one of my best friends and I were talking about how we both feel sympathetic to mothers who go crazy and kill their children. The truth is, I can totally understand how that can happen. It's awful, yes, but still understandable to me. When parents, and usually mothers because they are the ones that take care of children the majority of the time, are not supported enough, or don't feel like what they're doing is valued, well that would make anyone go crazy because it's actually such hard work.

Parents need a network of social support. We have this idea that parents have to do it all on their own, but historically the idea of family has never been two people raising children on their own and completely isolated. That's insane! Historically, family, friends, and communities have always created a social system where raising children is done by many adults who support them and support each other. Sure, it was for survival purposes, but the question I always ask when thinking of families is: Are we really surviving on our own now? People are social beings and they need each other for everything, so why not also raising children, which is the hardest job a person will ever have?

It is for this reason that I respect my mom today. We had many people who loved us and kept us afloat, no doubt. But also for the majority of my years growing up, it was just my mom and I. It was a difficult time and one that I've mostly blocked out. So thank you mom, for not going crazy enough to kill me. Thank you for hanging in there.

<3

The Crows Caw

The crows warn me

Of what's to come

Trees covering the sky

Hovering over my

Head and I

Can't shake off

The feeling of

Breathless breaths

Countless deaths

Of dreams it seems

I walk this path

Of leaves

The moonlight

Sneaking through

The cracks of branches

Showing the darkness

To me, with patches

Of light

I might

Have a chance 

I think to myself, but then

The crows tell me so

And I know 

That I walk blindly

But light of the moon 

Will guide me

Hitting my face

So gently

On this path 

Of my future and past

Made from dried out leaves

And long lost dreams

I proceed

Leaves crunching

Beneath my feet

The crows caw 

Their notes, raw

And so I face my own defeat

Men Versus Women: Are they really that different?

I've always been aware of the way media portrays men and women and, most of the time, it adheres to conventional views of the way either should act. There is humor to be found in the way they are pitted against each other, and I've also noticed that many comedians get most of their laughs by highlighting "what men do" versus "what women do". It's evident that according to television shows, commercials, and especially nonsensical magazines that women are whiny, nagging, crazy, emotional bitches beings who continuously need to be educated on "How To Please Your Man", whereas men are emotionally unaware, sexually motivated, "never right, even though they're right" people who have to deal with women, and neither seem to understand each other because they are just oh so different. Wow. Where do I even begin to dissect this distorted view?

Are you shitting me with this?

First of all, looking at men and women in this way troubles me because I feel like it's an unfair depiction of both. It's amazing that, still to this day, so many people hold essentialist views about gender, meaning that they believe women and men are biologically built to act differently towards sex, relationships, and conflict, when that is so far from the truth. I can't blame people though, because before I read a few articles and educated myself on the matter, I had similar opinions and I was content to believe that differences could not always be controlled, nor could they change because that was the way we were biologically programmed. Little did I know that the very idea of gender itself has continuously been changing and that it is viewed differently in various cultures. I might discuss this in more detail in another blog, but for the sake of keeping each blog short, I will keep the focus of this one on the fact that, actually, no one has found any proof to suggest that men and women are all that different (with a few and very minor exceptions in their anatomies and level of hormones.) This means that being a woman or a man will not determine your personality or the choices that you make, so much that the idea of what it means to be a woman or a man might. That's an important distinction to make because it suggests that change is quite possible. However equally, it also suggest that change is difficult because ideas can be very powerful, due to the depth in which they are embedded into a society's belief system.

But I say it's time to switch it up already; it's time to shake the pot. The time has come to open our minds up about the, too often, rigid views we have about gender roles and expectations. Yes, it is possible for a man to be sensitive, not always sexually driven, and just as "complicated" and moody as a woman. Similarly, a woman can be quite logical, easy going, and at times, more concerned about her own sexual gratification than learning "10 Ways to Make a Man Fall in Love with [her]" (can I get an amen?!! No not a man...urg never mind) The point is that people are a lot more fluid than most categories allow, especially in terms of gender and sexual orientation. Imagine the freedom people would feel if such categories were not simplified and then forced upon people to fit into them. Perhaps people could then let the fluid nature of their identities flow without anxiety and fear that they would be jeopardizing their positions within the society, and within their own personal lives. I say it's time to let ourselves (and others) flow.

The Road Will Be Mine

For those of you who like poetry, here is another:

Sitting in the passenger's seat

Waiting for something to happen

When I realize that I'm holding the wheel

But I can't move because I'm strapped in

The feeling of panic sets in

The car moves faster and I can't control it

I want to stop but I'm trapped in

With my hands numb I can't hold it

I realize that this is the moment

Either give in or give it all up

“But I'm not ready yet” I told it

“So you must tell the panic to stop”

Stop! I take control because I know

How this will eventually end

Be it smooth, rocky, fast or slow

The road will be mine to bend

Its bumps, mine to mend

Its wisdom, my friend

The road will be mine in the end

Doubt, just F-off!

Unfortunately the article I was working on for the kid's magazine got rejected or "pulled" to put it more politely. There's nothing like being rejected politely. There's a proverb in Farsi that's along the lines of "cut their heads off with cotton", which essentially means to stab someone ten times, for example, but to do it while you're laughing and massaging them so that they don't feel it. Wait, I'm sure that job already exists and they call themselves acupuncturists. No offence to acupuncturists, I'm sure you're lovely people...who cut people's heads off with cotton ...bastards. Okay okay, back to being rejected: I don't want to be dramatic about the whole thing because I know that these things happen. Sometimes it's not what they're looking for or the final edit doesn't happen in time to be published.

It's still very disappointing in that moment, but it's important to keep the same pace and just continue on. I've come to realize that I give up too fast. I've been spending my life waiting for the answers to jump out at me, but I haven't made much effort finding them, and I know that because I haven't been rejected enough. You know you're doing the best you can when you have a few doors closed on you. I've been so afraid of being told that I'm not good enough, that I've never really put myself out there to be in a vulnerable position. What kind of a life is that? Too mellow for my liking. Too safe.

There's another issue: reality checks. How often do we really go looking for them? I know I don't, but I also know that sometimes it's necessary. It's good to have someone tell you that you didn't do it right. It's even good to have someone tell you that you absolutely suck because it'll get you thinking. Either you get to a point where you honestly confess that maybe what you thought you wanted wasn't really what you wanted, or you say "fuck you" to the doubt that you have, and find a way to make it work. I haven't decided where I stand with that fork in the road yet. Still in the middle, as I always am with everything, and still waiting to take my next step.

I realize there is no fork in the road, but it's a road and it kind of works with my metaphor so cut me some slack.