White Rabbit

White little rabbit

Always so curious

To the world that surrounds you

Running after time

Running after hope

Big questions that astound you

Running from the hunter

Running from the danger

Too bad it already found you

Too busy always running

Searching, sniffing for some clues

Can't see what is around you

So little rabbit run

The world is after you

But you're still waiting for the sun

You gotta run rabbit run

Stop waiting for the unknown

There's no safety from anyone

A small fragile creature

So delicate the body

Still looking for that road

Too brave and brittle

Not ready to leave it behind

You're carrying a big load

Tired from running

Suffering and pain

Life's taken it's tole

Just want to enjoy the sun

Sit down and surrender

Digging up your own hole

But please run rabbit run

The world is after you

Waiting for the rising of the sun

Little rabbit run

Too much pain in the past

But another day has just begun

So Rabbit run. 

Figure Out What Strength Means

Yes, I just seriously quoted a Disney cartoon.

Strength is a strange concept. It's hard to tell what it means, because it probably has different meanings in different situations. Does it make you a strong person to always show your emotions to people, or does strength come from the capability to have control and act rationally? Are you a strong person because you can be vulnerable and cry, or is the stronger person the one who doesn't cry? And what about change? I've always thought that a person who can change the situation they're in, be it a bad relationship, or a career they don't like, is strong enough to do so. Yet, simultaneously, I've also thought about the daily strength it takes to stay in a situation that isn't always so desirable.

I could go on forever thinking about it, but I'll never know the answer because it's not so cut and dry. Sometimes it's hard to tell the difference between being strong and having a big ego. The idea of strength isn't about having power, whereas a person's ego may strive for that. Strength is about letting go of power. It isn't always about having control and acting rationally, but sometimes it's about being vulnerable and letting yourself be transparent. When I was watching Pina (2011), a film documenting Pina Bausch's influence as a dancer, one of her students mentioned a conversation she and Pina had, where Pina told her that her strength lied in her fragility. I thought that was a beautiful thought, and something that our society forgets, as aggression and assertiveness are more valued because we are told that they are qualities that lead to success; we have to be bold and logical and impenetrable to be respected. I doubt that that's true.

Growing up, I also always felt like showing emotions was a sign of weakness, but I realize that that's a part of being human. And if like me, a person is naturally calm in situations, then that's okay too. I guess strength really comes from recognizing who you are, and learning to not fight with it all the time. Hopefully, through this acceptance, people can also recognize that everyone is struggling and everyone has a fragile and sensitive piece in who they are. I've also learned in my experiences that the people who seem the most aggressive are, most often, the most sensitive and fragile and they use that aggression to protect themselves. Appearances are quite deceiving indeed. Everyone wants to seem strong and everyone wants to be respected, but I think we need to stop aiming for what the general definition of these words mean, and try to figure it out for ourselves. Me definitely included.

Only a Coward Would Love This Way

I have been pleasantly surprised these past few weeks at people who take the time to compliment my writing on the blogs. I always loved writing, from a very young age. I remember when my mom got me my first book to write in, and thus began my love for poetry at the age of eleven. When I began writing, I used to love sharing my work with people because it made me excited to have created something from my own imagination. It made me excited to have found this new tool of words to express my thoughts and feelings, and the idea of rhyming words, or matching sounds intrigued me.

As children, for us every experience is a new one and it's met with excitement and little expectation of what it could become. There's no insecurity about being creative because it's not a matter of proving yourself, since the worth doesn't come from exchanging a talent or a skill for money, but the worth lies in how much enjoyment comes out of it. Unfortunately as adults, we forget this feeling because responsibility takes over and along with that comes expectations, and therefore a measurement of our own capabilities, which can cause insecurities. As I got older, these insecurities took over me and by the time I had enrolled into a creative writing class in grade twelve, I was convinced that I couldn't write for shit (see picture below for an example of my creative writing.)

The beginning of my university career didn't help either, because let's face it, high school definitely doesn't teach students to write proper academic essays, and sure some people are smart enough to figure it out, but I wasn't until much later (same picture applies to essay writing as well.)

Needless to say, I didn't share any of my work for a very long time. Writing was important for me and to have someone tell me that I wasn't good enough put me in a very vulnerable position. But then I realized "what a cowardly way to love something." Loving doesn't mean hiding the thing you love so you can keep it safe from being criticized. Rather, it's about showing your love with all of its flaws, and having a strong enough heart to take criticism, however it comes, to become better and to love more vigorously. In my case, the love for writing grew when I stopped caring about being "good enough" and started to simply write. Following the same sentiment as my first entry: Nothing happens, if nothing happens, so stop thinking so much and do something; you may be pleasantly surprised one day.

Tangled Thoughts in an Empty Room

Print by Nilou Afshar
www.nilouafshar.com

Though it's empty

The room is heavy

It's filled with nostalgia

And a memory

That can't be traced

Too much empty space

That once was full

Of movement and life

And now it's stale

Cut the silence with a knife

A silence so thick, so tangled

With aimless thoughts

Memories I forgot

Words, unsaid

Broken promises that bled

But within these walls, they remain

For the room is meant to contain

The burden that has been burnin slow

The burden that I shake off

As I turn off the lights 

And go

Our Breaths Dance, But We Do Not

Worlds of colours
Mixing with one another
Wind breezes on through
Creating swirls that travel
Between Me and You

Our breaths, warm
As we exhale and
Together they float
And they dance
Before our eyes
How beautiful
It is to witness this ritual
Which is communicating
More than words ever will
Communicating the sensuality
Of something we can't sense
For it is our breaths
That continue to dance
As we slowly turn away.

Female versus Male sexuality: Can Males Be "Sexually Fluid" Too?

There's this myth that females are more sexually fluid than males, meaning that they are more likely to be bicurious and to experience a broad range of sexual desires. The truth is that because our social hierarchy puts heterosexuality at the top, but specifically heterosexually masculine men, women have nothing to lose because their heterosexuality is never questioned, and so this frees them to sexually experiment. On the flip side, having a homosexual experience for a man, who identifies as heterosexual, can have severe consequences because his heterosexual masculinity automatically goes into question.

The amount of times I've heard questions like "How can he be completely straight if he's made out with another guy? Oh my god, he must be gay, but he's just not out yet" makes me think that people are too narrow minded about sexuality. It's strange that if a man claims that he had sex with another man, that one-time experience can never be thought about casually, whereas if a woman were to do the same thing, no one would question: a) her femininity and b) her heterosexuality, but would either blame the alcohol or brush it off as her wanting to experiment. I'm not saying that everyone is that narrow minded or that every scenario will play out just as I've mentioned, but there is truth in the statement that it is much more difficult for heterosexual men to be accepted and not questioned for being bicurious, than it is for heterosexual women, as men indirectly and directly feel like they are jeopardizing their heterosexual identities and threatening their masculinity; there is a lot more at stake.

When it comes to sexual fluidity, men are put into more rigid categories of "either you're straight, or you're gay" and I don't think that that's a fair assessment. I believe that this type of categorization is problematic for both men and women because it continues to put heterosexual masculinity on a pedestal, since it becomes such a powerful part of a man's identity, which he is always on the verge of losing if he does not ascribe to stereotypical notions of what it means to be heterosexual and/or masculine.

Sculptures from Cancun's Underwater Museum

Alfred Kinsey, best known for his theories on sex, suggested that people have different degrees of heterosexuality versus homosexuality, known as The Kinsey Scale, and that most are likely to be somewhere in between. Although many of his studies went under question due to his methods of research, I tend to believe that there is some truth to his understanding of human sexuality. Even historically, people's understandings of these categories were quite different, suggesting that it is society which determines the boundaries of what is sexually acceptable and what is not. Take Socrates' time, for example. As displayed by many of his writings, love was not known to be between a man and a woman within a marriage, but between an older man and his much younger male disciple. Therefore, such a relationship certainly did not take away from a man's masculinity nor did it suggest that he was homosexual for he would probably also be married with children. On the contrary, it was expected, because philosophers such as Socrates believed that it was through such relationships that one learned the meaning of love.

What I mean to suggest is that our understanding of masculinity and heterosexuality is continuously changing according to society's norms, and so holding such words so close to one's identity can keep people from experiencing something that they may be interested in, but too ashamed to admit to. These are all my own thoughts on the subject, but who am I to say? I just feel like the relationship between men and women, among themselves, with each other, and to the society, would really change for the better if we all learned that sexuality can be fluid for everyone and that "masculinity" has nothing to do with a person's sexual orientation.

People Are (I am) Masochistic

I had a few ideas that I wanted to discuss, but I decided that I don't feel like being intelligent and would rather ramble. This is my blog, after all, and if I want to be annoying about it, so I shall. We can't always say something worth while because sometimes we just need to ramble until something worth while comes up. I'm pretty sure that that is the kind of therapeutic treatment Freud established. Who needs Freud anyway? I'll "free associate" by myself!

I am Garfield. Period.

So my room is a mess. I find that my physical environment seems to be a direct reflection of the way I'm feeling. I also find that sporadically getting up to clean my room can have extreme positive effects on my mood and sense of self. It's funny the way an environment can affect someone's internal mood, and someone's internal mood can create the appearance of the environment. It makes me wonder that small tasks can make a bigger difference than people give them credit for. For example, brushing teeth, taking a shower, changing out of pajamas, having a clean room, these tasks that are meant to keep up our appearances actually have an effect on the way we hold ourselves and the way we feel about ourselves; they can affect someone's whole day. But when these are such simple tasks, why are they then so hard to do when a person's in a rut?

Sometimes when I'm feeling down, my room will be a complete mess, I'll still be in my pajamas at 5:00pm, and I'll feel dirty as hell (too much information?), but I still wont get up to change anything. It's almost like I want to make myself suffer. People are crazy. Maybe it's just me who's crazy. I wonder if anyone else likes to piss themselves off on purpose? The truth is that I have a very mild case of OCD, so it's almost like I want to drive myself crazy by hanging out in a completely messy and chaotic room. I'm so weird. At least I'm honest. What is that Freud? This all comes down to me wanting to get down with my dad?? Well fuck you! No but seriously, Freud is hilarious. I heard that he used to get high on cocaine. Not sure if that's true, but it would add another level onto his, sometimes comical, conclusions.

Even the pinata is masochistic! 

To be honest, I really have no solution to the problem. I just know that people always go through phases, and if they're insightful enough, the negative phases become easier to deal with. I've also learned that it's too easy to judge and think that the solution is simple, but everyone needs to figure shit out on their own time because that's when it will be real; that's when it will truly sink in. Everyone has something in their life that is a challenge for them and I suppose it's through these challenges that we are all connected.