I Coulda Been Somebody

A few months ago I was thinking about how we only celebrate the big successes we have in our lives, but to me, the true success is the will to do the daily tasks that get us to where we want to go. Every time we get up in the morning, the effort that goes into getting prepared for the day, thinking about what food and where we'll eat, these aren't always so easy to do and the fact that we have the will to achieve these small tasks day in and day out in order to ensure a healthy life, or life at all for that matter, should be something that we can be proud of. Maybe I just think like that because I'm trying to console myself for not having achieved much in my twenty-four years of life, so I'm simply proud of the fact that I'm still around. Sue me.

Joking aside, sometimes I really think I know how I define success. It seems simple and so easy to attain. It's about finding peace within myself, regardless of my situation or the obstacles I face. It's the ability to genuinely smile during a day when nothing has gone right, and I've had phases when that's happened so I know that that's possible. But at times I tend to get confused because expectations get in the way, and that can include my own dreams and aspirations. To quote Terry Malloy from the film On the Waterfront (1954), ever since I was a kid I always had this feeling that "I coulda been somebody instead of a bum, which is what I am, let's face it." That's exactly how I feel and I'm sure many people will understand because, at the end of the day, everyone wants to be "somebody"; they want to leave some kind of footprint behind. It makes you wonder why that is so important? I tend to think that perhaps we're all playing a big joke on ourselves and it isn't meant to be so complicated. Maybe it's not important to be "somebody" as it is to simply "be."

Convenient that my initials are B.E. Perhaps that's my legacy: Banafshe Eshragi, the girl who learned how to be.

Bells Hit the Ground

Because a little poetry never hurt anyone, here is something I wrote a while ago.

Gentle rain

Penetrates

The pores

It pours

Down

It goes

Collision

Of drops 

With the ground

They sound

Like bells

Or like a

Piano sounds

The skin

Surrounded

By Fog 

I long

For it 

To touch me

The trees

Whisper 

No path 

In front

No path 

Behind

But the rain

Will guide

When the fog

Blinds

In my breath

I trust

I must 

Keep going

I am alone

But I long

To be

The whisper

Of a tree

The music 

Of rain

The smell 

Of grass

I long 

To be

One with the living

One with the dead

I know 

I must

Trust in my breath 

Thoughts on Parenting: Easy to Judge When You Don't Have Children

I've always found it quite strange that people view parenthood as a natural progression into maturity, but fail to recognize the amount of time and effort that goes into raising a child. Yesterday as I was going for my walk, I decided to sit at the park for a bit before heading back home. I was watching children with their parents and thinking about how it will soon be my generation and their children that inhabit the park. Strange. As I watched the parents, the image of a father in his late twenties to early thirties, pushing his five year old daughter on the swing with one hand, while talking into his cellphone with the other caught my eye. I remembered that I had seen him an hour ago in the beginning of my walk, again talking on his cellphone. It dawned on me that he didn't want to be there at all, and mentally he wasn't there. His restless daughter kept trying to get his attention and got nothing. I couldn't understand why a person like that would choose to have a kid.

Then I remembered a stand-up skit by Louis CK where he speaks about his children and how annoying they can be, and it made me laugh and a bit more sympathetic (although not much because I just can't wrap my head around a father who's on the phone the whole time he's with his kid at the park.) One of the biggest reasons that people choose to have children is that people think it will give them a sense of self fulfillment; it will complete them. Is it just me or is that a really bad reason? Having children is hard, and I don't think the issue is about them "completing" you, whatever that means, but about trying to not let them tear you to shreds. I just mean that it takes a lot out of you, physically and emotionally.

Also, parents are never given the right to complain about how annoying their children can be or how much they don't feel like dealing with them, and god forbid if they display these feelings publicly. I even had a look of pure disgust on my face when I was observing this careless father, but then I thought about myself and that if I had a child I'd probably bring vodka? tequila? spiked punch and Advil with me to the park everyday (for myself, not the child..what kind of a parent do you think I am?!) I was so entranced by this family that I forgot that I was completely staring and I think the father thought I was interested in him because he kept looking at me. Either that or he was scared for the safety of his daughter at the possibility that I could be a total creep. It was then that I thought it best to leave and head back, so I smiled at my own awkwardness and I left.

Better to do Something than Nothing

I have recently finished my undergrad program, and I've heard from many people that it's common to feel the "graduation blues" afterwards because that's when real life begins. So many people ask me tell me that I should be excited now that I have accomplished finishing school, but to be honest I really don't feel anything at all except anxiety for what will come next and how I'm suppose to "make my mark" in this world. Yes, I know it's completely dramatic, but that is one of the symptoms of feeling blue. Needless to say, I have definitely been getting a good dose of "graduation blues."

But today I changed my routine (or lack there of) and went for a walk by myself. I haven't done that in a while and I forgot how much clearer a walk would always make me feel afterwards. As I walked through the park in my neighbourhood, I realized that even this little thing I was doing, which was really nothing at all, made such a difference in my day. The eye contact I would sometimes make with strangers that was usually followed by a smile, or the energy of my legs picking up pace, my breath deepening, it was all so important in making me realize that there's a whole world out there outside of my (sometimes tortured and usually twisted) mind, and that there is no reason to be anxious. All I need to do is step out and things will happen.

I read an interesting article about self esteem yesterday. I've been working on an article about confidence for a kid's magazine the past few weeks, and so I was trying to do a bit of research when I came across this line: "...people with confidence focus on growth and improving, while people with low confidence worry about making mistakes." I'm not positive which research this came from, but I do remember reading something similar in a psychology course that I took last year. The fear of making a mistake can consume me, and I know that I'm not alone in this because many people around my age seem to make decisions based on the assumption that they will have to live with that choice for the rest of their lives, which is not true, but apparently the way most people in their twenties tend to think. So I suppose it's important to remember that sometimes, and especially when I'm feeling down, it's good to do something than nothing at all. Even something as simple as going for a walk and taking in a deep breath of fresh air can make you realize how exciting taking risks and making mistakes can be.