A Dance With Nothing

The freedom to be nothing

To be with Nothing?

Print by Nilou Afshar
www.nilouafshar.com

We make eye contact

In an empty room
Back and forth and back

Nothing and I share this dance

And in this moment
I have Nothing, and Nothing has me

Nothing holds me as we move

Back and forth, on and on

Intoxicated by the beat of the drum

Oh what a lover Nothing is to me

For it knows our love is temporary

And yet, it also knows that one day I will return

For nothing burns the way Nothing burns

Holding me, scolding me

Tossing and turning me

Nothing, a silent lover 

Who gives me a chance

And we, together and alone

Share this dance

Real Talk and Self Pity

How do people know what they're good at? I look at some people and they just know what they want and how to get it. They're always active, always doing something, achieving some goal. Even the ones that don't necessarily know what they want still seem to have their heads on straighter than me. Is it this society's obsession with presenting an inflated image of themselves that's got me feeling less than capable? It's strange because I was at a friend's birthday party the other day, and another friend of mine confessed that he thought I was doing everything right and that he looked up to me. I found that so fucking odd because I wondered what he saw in me that I just don't see in myself. I feel like I haven't done anything right. I've lived twenty five years and I have nothing to show for it. Just a few words on a page that no one reads anyway.

Have I become unbearably lazy? I know a lot of people say that about me, and mostly it's to my face. There's definitely some truth to it, but I see the way I work when I have a vision that's clear, and honestly I can work at something all day long. I've been applying to "real jobs" lately. It doesn't help to look at an application, read the job description and feel like you aren't qualified for anything. Real talk man, real talk. Hell, I can't even get a serving job, and I have plenty of experience with serving and different customer service related work. Yeah I'm probably feeling a little too bad for myself. I've got a void that I don't know how to fill. Most days I accept it, but sometimes it makes me anxious and I need to get it out.

So that's that. C'est la vie.

I Can Feel You

I can feel you in the wind

You're the tear drop that drops down my chin

You're the sweet flower that blooms in the spring

I am bound to you by the joy you bring

You're every rain drop that drops on my head

Burried in my heart to the very end

For you are the colour in my life

You're the sharpness of a knife

You're the sweet touch that touches my soul

And you are the love I'll never let go

Disappointed, But Still Motivated!

As I was coming home today, I encountered a woman in her late sixties, and she had dyed her hair purple, a deep lilac, which I love. It was such a beautiful colour and it suited it her quite well. I found myself itching to tell her how beautiful it was, but we were on the subway and she was sitting so far away from me. By the time I had thought of wanting to do this, up to the point when I had to leave the train, I had already thought about it too much, making myself incredibly self-conscious. I had the usual worries of seeming creepy, even though I was going to give her a compliment, which I'm sure she would have appreciated. But the mind plays tricks on you, and unfortunately I let my mind win.

It got me thinking that sometimes we are all too self-conscious. I'm not this way all the time, and when I let myself be impulsive on some occasions, I end up feeling really good about it. Why not take a chance to connect to someone? To let them know that they caught your eye and that we aren't all just moving objects trying to get from location A to B. It made me want to make more of an effort with strangers. Conversations with strangers are sometimes the funnest to have because there are no expectations. Honestly, it can feel really good to leave your mark on someone you don't know and will probably never see again, even for a moment, and to let them leave their mark on you.

In this moment of sudden inspiration to be more connected, I thought to myself "from now on I'm going to smile at anyone who makes eye contact with me." Naturally, I came back to my senses and thought "fuck that." Obviously I'm not going to actually smile at everyone that makes eye contact with me, because I don't want to attract all the crazies (which I end up doing enough as is) but at least I thought about it. So I suppose lesson numero due would be: Everyone is a dickhead, but a lot of the times when you're nice to people they are nice back, unless they are super dickheads, in which case you can flip them the finger and tell them to go fuck a duck. Again, you are welcome.

Random thoughts

I haven't written a blog in a while, partly because I've experience many changes in the past few weeks, but mostly because I'm beginning to censor myself again. I'm not sure why this happens, but I get into a mood where I think that what I'm saying isn't worth mentioning. But the good news is that I end up getting over it and realize that I never had anything to say that was worth mentioning, but I said it anyway. So because I have nothing significant to say, I think I will do a little rant. Free flow that shit.

You know what I can't stand? Nothing. I stand everything. That's not true, I'm not that patient. I can't stand people who don't leave the door open for you when they clearly see you walking RIGHT behind them. They just open it enough for themselves and keep on walking. Fucking pricks. It's especially annoying when you're holding a bunch of heavy bags. I also can't stand it when people pass you on the sidewalk to walk in front of you, only to walk much slower than you were walking. What the fuck? Why??? It's funny because based on the shit that pisses me off, I feel like if I were a driver, I'd have really bad road rage. However, since I am not a driver, I only have sidewalk rage. Is that even a thing? It should be because I have it.

People are so strange. They always seem to get in each other's way, but that's only because we all tend to think that we are the center of the universe. I know some people like to think they're selfless like that, but they're just lying to themselves. Everyone always thinks that bad shit only happens to them, and when it does they calm their nerves by saying "karma's a bitch! That asshole will get what (s)he deserves." Whenever I hear such a phrase, it always fascinates me that people don't associate something bad that's happened to them with karma kicking them in the ass for being dickheads. Basically the conclusion of this rant is: everyone's a dickhead. Life lessons from Banafshé. You are welcome.